973-539-2205
Relationships
Relationships
Often relationships go off the rails when one or both partners feel hurt or angry.
Many years ago, a young woman came to my office in despair. Her fiancé had called off their wedding weeks before it was scheduled. Among his complaints was that she was too attached to her family and constantly put their needs ahead of his.
After many sessions allowing her to process her shame and grief, she began to question whether he had a legitimate complaint. Her mother was indeed domineering, but she had come from a culture in which that was the accepted norm. Indeed, she narrowly escaped having an arranged marriage.
Her habit of burying her anger was so entrenched that she had lost touch with it. She began to understand how invalidated she felt, and how fearful she was of losing her mother’s approval. So fearful, in fact, that she had alienated the man she loved. As she explored these patterns further in therapy, she learned how to respectfully set limits with her family. Her fiancé reconsidered, and now they are happily married with two beautiful daughters.
Many people respond to hurt in a way that only further upsets their partner, leading to a vicious cycle of hurt/anger/more hurt. For example, some people respond to perceived attacks by retreating. But with a partner for whom retreat signals rejection, this strategy backfires in a major way. Your partner may respond to retreat by lashing out at you or by further retreat. Soon, there is a chain reaction of hurt provoking anger provoking hurt. Sometimes, one partner responds to hurt with self-attack, failing to speak for feelings that need to be heard. In any case, a wall develops, jeopardizing the very intimacy which both partners seek.
For example, Susan tells Max that he overindulges their teenage son, which undermines her efforts to set limits with him. Max’s response is to feel attacked and hurt. Instead of discussing the issue with her, he withdraws, giving her the “silent treatment”. For Susan, this feels like intolerable rejection, and her response is to keep prodding him for a reaction until he explodes. Now, their argument has gone nuclear.
I help people to understand what really triggers them, and to get below the protective layer of anger to the hurt at its root. This approach enables me to work on relationship problems even if the partner is not ready to join in the work.
We can’t change another person, but...
As you begin to relate from your true authentic self, you bring out the best in your partner, paving the way for a deepened and authentic relationship.